National Poetry Month: Day 5

Today in Lieu of sharing another boring update I am going to share a poem that I have tinkered with the last few days.

It is too personal to really go into my collection or to be submitted to a zine, so I think I will publish it here just to go on record and for you to see a little of what I mean about lacking poetry.

Natalie

I am not her,
I would not be a good mother
I could not be that nurturing
kids are great, if I can give them back
If they are not mine

Sure a little half of me and half him
would be cute
but would also be a lifetime
I am not willing to spend
I am independent
and independently selfish.

I am not her
not a mini Mary
it was hoped I would be
or even a second hand    Dorothy

I am just

Plainly and simply

Bluntly and unpoetically

The flawed and the selfish

Natalie.

 

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National Poetry Month: Day 3 and 4

Didn’t post any updates yesterday because the truth is, nothing much was different from day 2. I wrote a little, edited some things and submitted too.
I’m finding it difficult to find places where I think my voice would fit. I am very blunt and northern in my way and my poetry isn’t always… poetic, still I push on and am writing poems everyday.

I have been working on a couple of collections for a while with the hope of publishing a chapbook or two.
I feel like they are kind of a rite of passage and I wont ever really feel like  a proper poet ’til I have made and released one

I do need to work with a decent artist though, I really struggle in this particular kind of visual art and when I “see” my chapbook, I see art and coloured pages and “Natalie” in print.It is frustrating to work in arguably one of the most visual fields in the world ( Film) and not be able to do this, but I think part of growing as an artist is sometimes accepting collaboration into your world and understanding other good people can elevate you beyond where you could get on your own.
This is fun, poetry was one of my first loves ( I was sure I was gonna “David Bowie” my poems cut them up and assemble them into Ziggy Stardust masterpieces) and rediscovering it and making an actual real effort is proving to be more challenging than I thought, but of course as with all writing, you have to put the work in and write through everything.

This is turning ramble-y, so I am going to “sign off”

See you all tomorrow

Natalie

*Featured image courtesy of : Poetry School

National Poetry Month:Day 2

This post will probably win the prize as the shortest blog I have ever posted and believe me there have been some pretty short ones in the past.

Anyway in effort to hold myself accountable as I mentioned in yesterdays post here is a list of the few things I have done today in my effort to focus more on my poetry and getting it published.

-Written one new poem from scratch
-Renewed Duotrope Subscription
-Submitted one poem to a zine that accepts reprints
-Reworked a few lines in a poem that has bothered me for months.

Not a life changing amount of work really, but I am proud of what I have done today insofar as I have actually followed through and kept up my other work too (editing my feature and development of a comedy pilot)

Hope you all are progressing well

2 down 28 to go

See you tomorrow!

Natalie

(Featured Image courtesy of )

Mini Update: Writing, Poetry, Submissions.

So, as you may know every year April marks National Poetry Month. I took part in it back in the day ( I’m talking 2012) but I have pretty consistently just been a disappointing writer and completely forgot every year since then.

This year though I have decided to actually be the poet my biography would suggest and write some poems and actually make an effort in terms of my poetry writing.
It is something I love.

I have also committed to submitting one poem a day for publication somewhere, even if it is just someone else blog, I have decided to focus on poetry as a break from the constant grind of screenwriting and hope you will join me along the journey and also I hope “speaking” my intentions here will help hold me accountable and will mean I have the motivation to write and submit even when my procrastination sets in, deadlines generally make me work harder and the deadline of one a day will certainly keep me on edge.

What are some of your plans for this national poetry month?

Let me know and maybe we can keep each other motivated.

Natalie

A Question About Life With Endometriosis

 

In this journey of being honest about my struggles and my life with endometriosis, people often ask :

“How do you manage to cook and make smoothies whilst having Endo? I really struggle!

The truth is I DON’T manage. Social media only shows you the times I succeeded in getting out of bed and preparing food.

It doesn’t show you all the times all I ate was a cup of instant noodles, dry toast and maybe if I was lucky an apple

Doesn’t show all the times I ordered in because I couldn’t stand up.

Doesn’t show all the times I drank Pepsi by the litre and ate oreos by the box as I cried to myself on my sofa

Doesn’t show how full my freezer is of pre-prepared meals, from days I actually have energy, because sometimes I bleed so heavily whilst preparing food I have blood running down my legs.

Doesn’t show all the times I have tried and failed, all the times I just couldn’t no matter how much I wanted.

NEVER EVER feel like you are failing if you cant do it all!

Never ever feel like you should be living with this disease in any way different than what you are, you know what you can and cant do, only you live in your body.

We are all struggling. Its ok, its all going to be ok, somehow.

Stay strong fellow #endowarriors, I’m here with you in solidarity.

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Dim. . . Dimming. . . Diminish. . .

Dim
Considering my current tribulations an interesting and overly coincidental prompt for the day.

 

I am not dim but wonder if it may be better if I was.
Not in the intelligence sense, but in terms of my spark, the light, I emit, in terms of my opinions, loud mouthedness, feminism, politics, my selfishness and single-mindedness.

 

I wonder if to save what is breaking I should dim myself and hide.
Not be the “me” I am and worked so hard for the best part of the last decade.

Let your light shine and rise and hide mine as I always did in things between you and me.

 

Internally yelling at myself….

“ Natalie, that would make you the other kind of dim.”

I will remain and be who I am.
Please try and love me for it anyway.

The Problem with “Nice Guys”

( TW: Will contain themes of sexual assault, rape, possible violence, non-graphically and without detailed depictions of sexual acts and violence)

If the ‘Aziz’ story teaches us anything, it is that there is a problem with self-professed good guys.
They still think a no can be turned to a yes and don’t understand anything about coerced consent.

Assualt like many other things is not straightforward. Simply because a woman didn’t leave, doesn’t mean she consented, because she didn’t say “NO” emphatically enough for you, doesn’t mean she consented.

Just because you didn’t violently assault someone, doesn’t mean you didn’t act predatorily or didn’t violate someone and their boundaries.
Simply because you didn’t penetrate someone does not mean you didn’t not sexually assault someone.
Just because you call someone an uber and say, “hope you get home safe” doesn’t mean, you are a gentleman, doesn’t mean you have any concern for actual safety, just means you are good with appearances.

Just because “I am a nice guy, you can feel safe with me” comes out of your mouth, doesn’t mean it comes from your demeanour, or that you are to be 100% trusted.
It also doesn’t give you the “ In the moment, I didn’t understand” pass.

This whole thing with Aziz wasn’t just a “bad date”, it can’t just be marked down as ” we didn’t click
You should remember, for a guy a bad date or for that matter ” bad sex” is often, “We didn’t click, oh well, there’s always next time. ” Maybe it also leaves you an anecdote or two for the next time you are down the pub.

For women, the best case scenario is ” Thank the lord I didn’t get raped and/or killed tonight.”

We are socialised to minimise and survive, we are socialised that when asked nicely it is impolite to refuse.
We are told not to be a “stuck up bitch” which we don’t understand is a synonym for ” don’t be outspoken, know your place and don’t disagree.”
We are told to, diminish, diminish until we are seen with favourable eyes.
We are taught, that ‘NO!’, can’t ever really be said emphatically enough if you already kissed a guy, or blew a guy.
We are taught that; boys will be boys.
Taught we are exaggerating when we feel violated
Told we didn’t speak loudly enough, but when we do, we should keep “those kinds of things” private.
Taught our clothes made us victims and if not our fear did.

Taught that maybe only once in a generation will we really matter.

#Metoo