Today(Feb 20th) on what would have been his 50th Birthday (a fact that regretfully had slipped my mind prior to opening twitter late this afternoon) I have spent some time considering exactly why Kurt Cobain, his music and his social conscious became such an important part of my life, heck, even my identity some.
I pinned it down to a number of things:-
1) He was a total babe.
2)He twisted words and sounds and meanings in ways my poetic self mentally couldn’t handle and fucking loved it.
3)He was my first(non-familial) Feminist hero.
I was lucky with my male role models, even luckier with my female ones.
Daddy, was flawed, old school sovereign politically, but the best dad I could ever have had. I have written about him at length elsewhere, but needless to say, I am my Fathers daughter in so many ways.
Grandad and godfather, much the same, from an old school family and mentality, but married to strong independent women, not put out of their place or any less men because of it, they are what I modelled my ideal after and in some way, I married each of them.
The first guy, who came to light in that awkward coming of age I went through as a 13-year-old who had her breasts and period for 4 years at that point, was Kurt.
Beautiful, screaming blood-curdling Kurt, with his guitar and blue eyelinered eyes.
But behind that forceful beauty was a message I fundamentally felt, my feminine power, my feminine worth, myself, is something… something, unfettered, wise, wonderful and strong.
“Never met a wise man, if so its a women”
Changed the way I saw, I felt and I have lived since the first time I territorially pissed all over my room screaming bloody murder along with my newfound ally.
That’s ultimately what he was, an ally, a rockstar, expected to be this macho, womanising asshole, who had a wife and daughter, a wife he respected, female friends he respected, a sister he loved who happened to be gay.
He made it that much more ok, to not be “that guy”, to be considerate and understand your privilege and use it for everyone’s good.
An outspoken guy, in a huge fucking rock band, married to a huge fucking rockstar, writing about Rape and the strength of Polly, Playing benefits for rape victims, going to a ball in a dress, playing Hollywood Rock Rio, in a dress and crown.
Understanding it all. Just fucking understanding.
He was mesmerising.
I would not be who I am, had Kurt Cobain never been in this world.
I’ll be forever grateful.