The Problem with “Nice Guys”

( TW: Will contain themes of sexual assault, rape, possible violence, non-graphically and without detailed depictions of sexual acts and violence)

If the ‘Aziz’ story teaches us anything, it is that there is a problem with self-professed good guys.
They still think a no can be turned to a yes and don’t understand anything about coerced consent.

Assualt like many other things is not straightforward. Simply because a woman didn’t leave, doesn’t mean she consented, because she didn’t say “NO” emphatically enough for you, doesn’t mean she consented.

Just because you didn’t violently assault someone, doesn’t mean you didn’t act predatorily or didn’t violate someone and their boundaries.
Simply because you didn’t penetrate someone does not mean you didn’t not sexually assault someone.
Just because you call someone an uber and say, “hope you get home safe” doesn’t mean, you are a gentleman, doesn’t mean you have any concern for actual safety, just means you are good with appearances.

Just because “I am a nice guy, you can feel safe with me” comes out of your mouth, doesn’t mean it comes from your demeanour, or that you are to be 100% trusted.
It also doesn’t give you the “ In the moment, I didn’t understand” pass.

This whole thing with Aziz wasn’t just a “bad date”, it can’t just be marked down as ” we didn’t click
You should remember, for a guy a bad date or for that matter ” bad sex” is often, “We didn’t click, oh well, there’s always next time. ” Maybe it also leaves you an anecdote or two for the next time you are down the pub.

For women, the best case scenario is ” Thank the lord I didn’t get raped and/or killed tonight.”

We are socialised to minimise and survive, we are socialised that when asked nicely it is impolite to refuse.
We are told not to be a “stuck up bitch” which we don’t understand is a synonym for ” don’t be outspoken, know your place and don’t disagree.”
We are told to, diminish, diminish until we are seen with favourable eyes.
We are taught, that ‘NO!’, can’t ever really be said emphatically enough if you already kissed a guy, or blew a guy.
We are taught that; boys will be boys.
Taught we are exaggerating when we feel violated
Told we didn’t speak loudly enough, but when we do, we should keep “those kinds of things” private.
Taught our clothes made us victims and if not our fear did.

Taught that maybe only once in a generation will we really matter.




Mini Musings: Wednesday Edition on Thursday

I got caught up in International Women’s Day.
I tried to avoid the anti-female rhetoric a great number of men posting on social media and talking in the streets of this country care to engage in.
Tried to focus on my female positive and feminist husband
and the cider he brought home for me to share with him along with a bunch of flowers and my favourite coffee,
In a show of solidarity with me on this day when men take great pride in attacking.
More simply just a man bringing his wife flowers to make her smile.

I deliberately held back posting this until the day here had officially passed.

To those men:

“Feliz Dia da Costela do Homem*”( Happy day of the rib of man)
Is disgusting
It doesn’t make you a “Homem Tradicional”( Traditional Man)
It makes you a dinosaur
a pig
a disgrace.
To a specific man, I know
You have a daughter,
Grow up.

To all my sisters around the world

*Reference to the biblical story of Eve being made from Adam’s rib

Me Time

Today’s prompt asks about “An ideal Saturday morning

Well in my time zone its currently the afternoon and I had quite an unproductive morning cause the alarm didn’t ring.

An ideal Saturday morning for me is quite simple maybe even pathetic some might say, but I enjoy the simple and free things in life.

An ideal Saturday.

Waking up early

but staying in bed late

being silly and playful

maybe make time to mate.

Sit with the laptop

at your knees

and watch a series

Maybe Stargate or Naruto

or even The Big Bang Theory

be nodding off

in your chest

although its only 10 am

that sexy man smell

from the festivities of the night before

of being down on all for

and giving a lioness roar

we should eat!

I say with lazy exclamation

Its already 12


Maybe we should begin our day

Of writing some lines

and having our say

and trying to change the world

in the comfort of the bed

or the sofa

and decked in our PJs

Im feeling needy

midway through my cycle

so I want to cuddle you

and hinder your typing

so you pay attention to me

not your adoring fans

I want to be stupid and romantic and lazy

and deal with life

on another day

not today

on my perfect Saturday

Trade Off

Here we go again

the usual

the same old

the predictable


We are both such bitches

Twirling tales

and back stabs

In exchange for smiles


Trading I love you

For cutting of pride


I am about to cut my own


I love you

Lets not fight.


Calmly You walk from my life,

Not as a hurricane,as I had Imagined.


But Calm,

As a gentle breeze,that kisses my cheek and dishevels my hair.

As a Kittens Paw Imprints his first winters snow.

As a child first grasps his fathers finger

or the bee that fondles the springtime Lavender.

But a hurricane?


It was not a hurricane.